Before the airport, we stopped by a guava farm, where they have a store that sells all kinds of guava products, except the one everyone really wants, which is guava jelly. The guy said they can never keep up with demand, and are always out of it. I told Kelly they’re idiots and should raise the price of their jelly until they can keep up with demand, which led to a discussion about free markets versus the “fairness” of socialism. My take on guava is that is smells better than it tastes, which is ironically also my take on socialism.
Checking into the Kauai airport, Kelly and I ran into a problem we experienced previously on our original Continental flight out of L.A. We decided to pack one large bag to check, holding both of our stuff. With both of our clothes, snorkel gear, books, etc, the bag weighs about 55 lbs. Both Continental and Aloha Airlines have policies that no bag can weigh more than 50 lbs without incurring a $25 fee. Having already failed at Continental to explain our situation in a way that allowed for an exception to be made, I foolishly tried again at Aloha.
Me: “You see, my wife and I packed one large bag together. If we had put the same stuff into two bags, the total weight would have been the same (actually, slightly heavier due to the extra bag), but you would have allowed that onto the plane no problem.”
Aloha: “Yes, but each bag must be under 50 lbs.”
Me: “Oh, right, yes, I totally understand the policy. I’m saying that policy is nonsensical, because from a total weight perspective (the reduction of which is the only reason I can think of for the policy), our bringing two bags instead of the one we brought would have been MORE total weight on Aloha’s plane.”
Aloha: “Yes, but your bag weighs more than 50 lbs, which is over the limit.”
Me: “Who’s on first?”
Aloha: “This one goes to 11.”
Not wanting to pay the $25 overweight fee on principle, I take out a plastic trash bag we had packed, and Kelly and I start loading it with our snorkel gear, some shoes, and whatever else necessary to bring the bag under 50 lbs (the same crap incurs no fine in a carry-on, crowded overhead bins be damned). Cut to 10 minutes later at security, where the plastic bag is flagged for having our newly purchased bottle of sunscreen in it. So we had to ditch a full bottle of $12 sunscreen so that everyone can feel safe on our plane. Now I start to spiral into righteous indignation (not out loud) and start scribbling thoughts feverishly as we wait for our plane. Let’s review America’s safety record, shall we?
Event 1: September 11, 2001
Security Enhancement : Locking cockpit doors, air marshalls, lots of other added security measures
Prevents: Event 1 only
Event 2: Richard Reid, the Shoe Bomber
Security Enhancement: All shoes
must go through x-ray
Prevents: Event 2 only
Event 3: Attempt to blow up planes with liquids on carry-ons
Security Enhancement: Severe limitations on carry-on liquids
Prevents: Event 3 only
Can you finish this sequence?
Obviously, Event 4 will exploit a not-yet-thought-of security hole, yet nobody in the security department has thought through our event-leads-to-hyper-specific-response cycle enough to realize it doesn’t make us any safer. An example: Richard Reid had a bomb in his shoe, so now all shoes have to go through x-ray. What if Richard Reid had strapped a bomb to the inside of his underwear? Are we going to strip search everyone? Actually, there’s a much more significant (and fundamental) flaw exposed by this example. Why when someone wears a shoe bomb onto a plane do we then assume that the next bomb is likely to be in a shoe? The 9/11 Commission Report concluded American intelligence suffered from a “failure of imagination” that failed to predict the possibility of 9/11 . I don’t know about you, but I think 9/11 would have taken quite a bit more imagination to predict than extrapolating from shoes to underwear. In the minds of aviation security watchdogs, bombs are more likely to be in shoes because in the recent past, one guy had a bomb in his shoe and zero guys had a bomb in their underwear. But it is precisely because now shoes go through x-ray and undees don’t that the next terrorist will be known as the Underwear Bomber. But just relax, everyone, the Hawaiian Tropic is safely in the garbage.
