At The Margin

After reading of the fun I had with the Nigerian money scammer, my friend Noah sent me a link to a site where some British guys have documented their own interactions with a scammer. It is the best example of comeuppance I have ever read. These guys were actually able to run a scam on a scammer, and they have compiled painstakingly detailed documentation in the form of emails, phone calls, and video footage. It’s worth a read (whatever you have time for, it’s ridiculously long): http://www.419eater.com/html/martins_davis.htm.

At the margin, Kelly understands me. I say “at the margin” because I now regularly read a ton of financial news articles, and they all seem to work in the phrase “at the margin”. For instance, a recent Economist article entitled “Consider the alternatives” (Apr. 28, 2005), states “These blended alternatives may eventually help check OPEC's pricing power at the margin...” I think “at the margin” refers to the fact that people will buy marginally more when something is cheaper and marginally less when it is more expensive. However, it seems to me the phrase is superfluous, as “pricing power” seems to sum it up. As if this weren’t bad enough, in a January 20, 2005 article, the Economist writes “Instead, the president is likely to focus on making his first-term tax cuts permanent and introducing some other changes at the margin.” Again, superfluous. Read the sentence back without our newly-recognized egregious phrase, and it conveys exactly the same meaning. Now I know what you’re thinking: maybe it’s just the Economist. Nope, I read it all the time. If you understand what the heck it adds, please clue me in.

So anyway, at the margin, Kelly understands me. But every once in a while she does something that would indicate she has no idea who I am. This happened today. I’m in improv shows this Saturday, and because of this I cannot make my friend Rich’s party (the astute reader will have properly concluded that Rich’s party is on Saturday). I briefly tried to switch with another improviser so that I could get out of the shows, but my half-hearted attempts were unsuccessful. Anyway, Kelly calls me today and says she was invited to one of her co-workers weddings on Saturday, and wondered if I wanted to go with her, saying “Maybe this will give you the incentive to switch out of your Saturday shows.” Hold the phone. Are you fricking kidding me? What would possess Kelly to think that I would want to attend the wedding of a stranger, let alone more than a friend’s party? I’m stumped on this one. Unfortunately, so far I have been unable to convert this occurrence into any “I’m so misunderstood” points. Alas, that only works so many times. Plus, I’m too busy evaluating the seriousness of Kelly’s threats that there will be firemen at the wedding.

I have come to understand the difference between the television shows “24” and “The O.C.”. Of course, there are many, many differences. But I’m talking about the core basis of the shows, the very substance they are…okay, really it’s just something I noticed. Every once in a while, I’ll catch an O.C. It’s a show that I feel bad about watching, but last night I enjoyed watching it more than any show that requires my brain. What I realized is that the catalyst for the show’s plot is delayed communication. Girl gets sexually assaulted by boyfriend’s brother (an assault that is triggered when he is overcome by his uncommunicated feelings for her) while boyfriend is away. Boyfriend returns, and girlfriend is acting weird. Boyfriend asks what is wrong, and girlfriend displays overt signs that something is VERY wrong, yet they don’t communicate about it and the topic is put off until later (“later” being all throughout the 2 hour special and into next week’s episode). This communication delay happened in every plot line in the show. And well it should. That’s all they’ve got. The whole show is about who’s banging who, who’s cheating on who…so if everyone is in perfect communication, there’s no show.

Contrast this with “24”. I would rejoice if during just one episode the characters could put off one emotional discussion until later. A nuclear bomb is within two hours of exploding in Los Angeles, yet terrorist fighter Tony needs to explain to his girlfriend/boss Michelle right now that he’s missed her since she moved out. When you’ve got a nuclear bomb, you don’t need miscommunication to keep your viewers from week to week. But how I wish the writers thought they did. Enough with the extraneous emotional yapping. They should start a new show called “6”. It’s all Kiefer, all the time, kicking ass. They’d have a shorter season, but due to the increased watchability, they’d rack up way more eyeball-hours, at the margin.

Nigerians - Rich but always in need of help

I finally got the chance to write back one of those "Nigerian" guys offering me millions of dollars to assist him. Below is my rather lengthy email exchange with Kenneth.
Color scheme: Kenneth's emails are bullshit blue, My emails are greedy green.

Dear friend,

I am Mr. Kenneth Obi senior manager accounts/audit department, in first bank of Nigeria Plc. DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY, who was a contractor with Shell-development Company in Nigeria and a personal friend Died and left behind his deposit in this bank (FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC) valued USD 20,723,822.90.

I am writing to seek your cooperation over this business deal. In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of USD 20,723,822.90., (Twenty Million,seven hundred and twenty three thousand eight hundred and twenty-two dollars,ninety cents) only , in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash that took place in Kenya, East Africa, the Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY, a citizen of Atlanta, United States of America but resident here in Nigeria, West Africa and a physician .

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately, all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind to claim the money. therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money Could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after four years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner. 40 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign ccount. and 60 % would be for me. There after I will come over to your country for disbursement ccording to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased, indicating your claims and where the money will be remitted into. Upon receipt of your respose indicating your willingness to work with me, I will send to you by fax or email the contact information of my bank manager which you will use to submit the application and I will direct you on how to do that. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is strictly confidential and I will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund and that is to say I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of the law.

Please get in touch with me through my email: kennn12obi@yahoo.com and send to me your full name telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss further about this transaction. You can visit the website below for more information about the Plane Crash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late DR GEORGE BRUMLEY.
http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html
Awaiting your urgent reply
Thanks and my regards.
Mr Kenneth Obi.
N/B. Please reply through my alternative email address kennn12obi@yahoo.com


I am interested in assisting you (and me) in this transaction. However, I will accept no less than 65% of the total for myself, leaving 35% for you.


Dear Lewis,
I am responding to your request and I shall be giving you the full detail of this transaction. I hope you have read my first letter to your understanding? It's my desire to go into business relationship with you.But this is based on your professional assistance,willingness, trust sincerity and give out your undivided effort.

Further to this, I wish to let you understand that I am a man of 45years, married, with four children. But there is one thing I want you to know. I don't want a situation whereby we have started this business you will one day change. Because some times humans change when it comes to dealings with money. I have contacted you because we two can always understand each other.

Moreso I want you to know that this transaction must be kept absolutely confidential. I am banking on you not to disclose this business to anybody this is for security reasons.As I have stated in my first letter to you, the bank (FIRST BANK PLC) gave me the power of mandamus to scout for my late client next of kin.

The bank on its own have done all they could but to no avail in locating any of my client relative. I applied to the appropriate unit of the bank with the knowledge of the board of directors, to give the authority that I can produce my late client next of kin so that thefunds will be transferred to him. Note that I was his Account officer when he was alive. I have decided to take this step because I wouldn't want the Nigeria Government to confiscate his account and use his funds for the African Countries at war. I saw this as a great opportunity for us to enrich ourselves and go into business relationship, this is why I contactedyou. If you are willing to work with me, you must always follow my instruction in order not to make mistake. Have it in mind that I have perfected all and there are no risk involved. Also you are not going to appear here in the bank. But you must adhere to my instruction.

Dear, there are three question I would like to ask.
1 Can I really trust you? By entrusting this funds into your account?
2 Is your account safe and capable of receiving this money?
3 Can you make me believe that you will not leave me in the cold when the money hits your account? (Trust.Sincerity, confidential, willingness,ability to assist)

sorry I have to ask this question because I have done a business like this in the past and my pertner ranaway with the funds so I would not want such thing to happen again and I have served this bank close to 10 years before such trust could be granted to me.

Now I have decided to continue this transaction with you and for us to proceed into this, you have to send to me your direct telephone number where I can always contact you, please try all you can and give me a call,as it is important we have an oral discussion to this matter. Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated Note that this transaction will last for only 10 working days if only you will follow my instruction and when I authorize the payment to you,and the money gets into your account, you will take 40% while I take 60%. if you agree with this I will immediately direct you on how you will apply to his bank for the release of the fund and we will have to familiarize ourselves, by providing a picture identity of ourselves, so that we can both know whom we are dealing with. Again I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Please call me as soon as you received this email so that we can discuss on how to take the next step and you should also send to me your direct telephone number where I can always contact you.
As soon as I hear from you I will direct you on how to apply to the bank for the release of the fund.

Waiting to hear from you.
I remain
Yours faithfully,
Mr.Kenneth obiDirect line: +234-8038 633 362


I feel that you are not listening to what I am saying. I stated clearly that I will accept no less than 65% of the total of funds, and yet your followup email states again that I will receive 40%.


Dear Brother,

Thanks for your email.

Brother honestly I am willing to proceed with you in this business because I am so sure that if we come together and do this with one mind just like brothers we must be grateful to God for bringing us together and that is to say I am willing to offer you what you requesting but we must have to discuss on phone first in order for me to be sure that your going to be totally honest to me.

I believed that for us to conclude this transaction successfully we really have to agree on how to take the next step so I will advise you to call me so that we can really discuss about it and you should also send to me your cell phone number where I can always reach you any time because I am not willing in any way ready to continue this transaction that involves over $20.M only on the internet.

Please indicate your willing to proceed with me by calling me on my direct number +234 8038 633 362 and also send to me your cell phone number where I can always reach you anytime.

As soon as I hear from you I will immediately direct you on how to apply to the bank for the release of the funds.

I await your urgent response.

Thanks,

Kenneth


I am glad you agree to my terms. Calling you long distance is going to cost me extra money, though. Because of this extra money, I am going to have to change the percentages I asked for. If I am going to have to call you, I must demand we split the money 70/30. I know that's only 30% for you, but it seems I need to incur up front costs, which mandates that I receive a larger cut.

Please let me know if this is acceptable to you.


Dear Matt,
Please I do not want you to toy with this business in any way so please indicate your willingness by given me your telephone number so that I can call you since you cannot call me.
Thanks,
Kenneth


I cannot believe that you are accusing me of toying with you! I am trying to negotiate with you a split of this money that is fair, given the amount of risk that is being taken. I am not the next of kin of Dr. Brumley, but I will be acting as if I am his next of kin. This involves a great deal of risk if I am caught.

I have many business deals going at any given time, and all are negotiated to my liking beforehand. I am extremely interested in this opportunity, as the portion I will receive (if you agree to my terms) is much, much greater than what I earn per year. Heck, it's five times my net worth!

I prefer to call you. I am afraid I cannot continue until I have your word that I will receive 70% of the total, and you 30%.


Brother,
Thanks for your email.
I want to assure you again that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of law so you have nothing to worry about and I will like you to handle this transaction with seriousness now that I am willing to give you 70% of the total funds
Brother, I will like us to continue the business because that is running out but I must discuss with you on phone before I direct you on how to apply for the release of the funds so please call me on my direct number 234 8038 633 362.
Please indicate your willingness to proceed with me by calling me and also given me your cell phone number where I can always reach you anytime because it is very important we be in close contact until this transaction is concluded as I will be directing you on what to do and how to do it in order for you not to make any mistake.
I will be expecting your call.
Thanks,
Kenneth


Okay. I am going to call you this weekend. One thing, though. I decided I want 80%. I don't have a precise reason for it, I just woke up today and 80 seemed like the number. I have some gambling debts to pay off, you know how it is. You have been most accomodating with my previous percentage changes, and I trust you will have no problem with this one as well. Brother, I do look forward to working with you.


I haven't heard from Kenneth after this last email.

I Don't Know Jack

I got an email today that I thought was a joke, asking if I knew about a new radio station in San Diego, 100.7 Jack FM. I figured a friend had sent it to me as a joke, knowing that I had just barely lost Supermouth. That assumption was thrown out when a quick visit to http://www.histar.com was redirected to the Jack web site. It looks like the only thing they kept was Jeff and Jer (Jack is not an idiot). Other than that, my best guess is everybody else got the can and they've switched to an all music format. I listened for a couple of songs, and the format is definitely different from Star...they're playing a lot more old stuff, with seemingly more variety. But the big change is no yap yap except for the morning show.

I must admit, I regard this as one more feather in my cap of "losing Supermouth was a blessing in disguise." In retrospect, one could view their most recent contests (a months-long competition where a listener becomes a DJ and a $20,000 hardly stealthy marketing campaign sending people out to search for and publicize the "Star 100.7 Fugitive") as desperate last attempts to gain ratings before throwing in the towel.

For Fun

Kelly and I went to Costco for next week's party purchases. I had decided ahead of time to get a small keg instead of bottled beer. While we were there, however, I spied the large cases of beer across the store, and wondered if perhaps it might make more sense to just get bottles. So I told Kelly my keg plan, and then added, "But let's go look at the beer just for fun." Overhearing this comment was a woman perhaps beyond middle age but not yet looking like a senior citizen, who retorted, "No, for fun you have to DRINK the beer." At first I chuckled, but as I walked further away my laughs got bigger and bigger, as I realized just how hilarious this off-the-cuff remark was. I think what made it so funny was that it came from a nearing sixty, sweet looking woman. Cheers to you, sweet looking late fifties alcoholic woman.

Good Will Hunting

Oh, just when I think I've got nothing to write about, the wonders of North Park appear yet again. It is harder than I would have thought to give stuff away to Amvets in this neighborhood. I scheduled a pickup for today, and naively left the boxes outside our front gate overnight, since they can pick up as early as 8am (and I'm unemployed...nuff said).

Anyhoo, when I got up this morning and took Dexter out for his morning potty, my first discovery was that one of the two boxes I had left outside was gone. Simply vanished. It was the box full of clothes. I was stunned at first, but then it made sense. And whatever, I mean I'm giving the stuff away anyway.

But Dexter noticed something from the front yard just now, and when I opened the gate to investigate, I found a woman rifling through the remaining box. Let me paint you a picture of this woman: 2/3 shirt which exposed most of her flabby belly, which effortlessly hung over her oversized jean shorts, but not enough to cover the pack of smokes poking out of her front pocket. Also, she smelled and acted somewhat drunk. She was pleasant enough (after getting caught) to apologize and admit that it would have been polite to ask first, then said she had some clothes to give away that she was going to bring over to add to the pile. Of course, I'll be shocked when those clothes never materialize.

The haves and the have nots live just a little too close in this neighborhood for my tastes. Time to use some of my available productivity cycles to take an inventory of the apartment and bump up the renter's insurance accordingly.

Fresh Bread

In honor of Martha Stewart getting out of prison, I am going to reveal a homemaking tip for the kitchen. For many moons I have struggled to keep bread fresh. I cherish that first sandwich when the bread is first opened. Just a day or two after that, the bread begins to either harden or do that crumbly thing. Putting it in the fridge delays it a bit, but not much. And the freezer prevents premature aging, but also hurts the flavor and mandates defrosting.

My solution? A ziploc bag. Now this sounds so obvious as to be stupid, but I'm willing to bet a majority of readers do not use this method. I bought some gallon size ziploc bags (the kind with the easy to lock/unlock pink zippers on top). After I use the bread, it goes back in the bag. Then I zip it all but an inch closed, squeeze all the air out of the bag, then zip it fully closed. When done properly, the bag looks pretty much vaccuum sealed.

I am currently enjoying my fourth sandwich from the current loaf, and with no refrigeration, the bread is still wonderfully soft and fresh.

24-Hour Financial Fitness

So far so good with the cat allergies. It’s been a week, and I haven’t had any symptoms. Hopefully this will continue. Incidentally, Lucy is less of a jerk than I remember. I think she’s happy in our new house, what with the front patio and highly perched window views throughout the house.

I’ve been spending some time at 24 Hour Fitness in Hillcrest. I like the yoga classes there. They are sardine packed with Hillcrest’s flexible elite, but the good instructors and rather fast paced (for yoga) classes keep me coming back. That being said, I despise 24 Hour Fitness due to their business model, which squeezes out as much profit as possible with the following cost-saving tactics:

- Sell as many subscriptions as possible, do not consider gym overcrowding
- Hire flabby, out-of-shape fitness instructors who charge patrons by the hour to walk around the gym with them
- Hire muscular “instructors” whose job is really hard-selling new memberships
- Intersperse the music pumping throughout the gym with advertisements for costly 24 hour fitness extras or friend signup programs.

Basically, it is painfully obvious that the gym’s focus is on making money, not getting people in shape. A gym should make money, but should do a better job hiding its desire to make money. For such a well oiled machine, I’m surprised by the inefficiency of their intercom paging. They have a company-mandated way of paging their instructors, which is the same every time (I wish I could ignore it): “Attention all 24 Hour Fitness Staff, Mike please come to the front desk.” Why alert all the staff when you only want Mike’s attention? How about: “Attention instructor Mike.” You never hear a hospital intercom say: “Attention all Cedar Sinai medical doctors, will Doctor Jones please come to the ER.” I figure tidying up the company policy on paging could save the company $200 a year, which would be enough to repair the stair steppers that keep missing their chains and plummeting me and other riders to the floor.

Space Exploration Exploration

It's official, I got scammed. I talked to the neighbors today - the neighbors that actually live where Mr. "work for it" claimed he did. In an ironic twist, those very neighbors had been scammed by the same guy some 8 years ago. The story they were told was identical. My hat is off to this guy...eight years successfully using the same lousy "I need money for a tire" line.

I found an interesting article the other day about Bush's spending cuts (cuts, by the way, which are essentially noise when compared with our defense and Medicare spending). The white house put out a report outlining the rationale for the spending cuts. One portion of the report states: "When the federal government focuses on its priorities and limits its claims on resources taken from the private sector, that helps sustain a stronger, more productive economy." This quote essentially admits that the private sector is more efficient than the public sector, a fact that has been proven again and again through different countries' trial and error. To me, the funny part of the quote (surely not intended by the author) is that if this sentiment is truly to be internalized, the government should be cutting not a small pittance, but ALL non-essential programs. We need an armed forces. We need law enforcement. These are things it makes sense the government collect money and pay for. But NASA? Don't get me wrong, NASA is very cool. But it's hard for me to regard getting the latest pictures of Saturn as a "priority". If the people themselves felt NASA was a priority, they could voluntarily contribute their money, instead of being forced to by the government. If we currently had a society where government paid only for national defense and law enforcement, I wonder what white house quote would justify paying for NASA, and all similar non-essential programs. Perhaps something like, "Space exploration embodies the very spirit of American inventiveness and exploration. You're not un-American, are you?"

Living in Sin

I have decided to continue posting to my blog. In the past, I have only blogged while traveling. Traveling provides a constant barrage of new experiences for me to comment on, as well as plenty of time to compose my thoughts. Less changing, run-of-the-mill daily life, however, deserves commenting on a lot of the time as well. Speaking of comments, I have turned them on for this blog, which I think means readers can add pithy remarks. We'll see how that goes. Will I still write ridiculously lengthy entries? Well, that depends. See, on the one hand...um…I guess that’s a yes.

Kelly and I moved in together. This is no shock to most of you. We’re renting a two bedroom house (officially, it’s a duplex, but it feels like a house). It’s really nice, with plenty of comfortable room for Kelly, me, Dexter, and (uggh) Lucy the cat. Lucy doesn’t move in until tomorrow, and I dread her arrival. I’m allergic, plus she is a cat and therefore standoffish. I don’t understand the appeal of owning an animal that runs away from you when you want to pet it and rubs itself on you and your computer equipment when you want it to go away.

It seems to me that on a daily basis, moving in together represents a much more significant change than getting married. Largely in the past, those two things always happened together. But then Bon Jovi’s “Living in Sin” came out, and it really resonated with people. Kelly and I successfully traveled together internationally, where we spent 24/7 together for 180 days straight. Sharing a place should therefore be a cakewalk. I have discovered the first counterexample to this assumption. Now that I am not living out of a backpack, I am surrounded with all my very nice things, which each have a place and a proper use (by me whenever I want). And now I’m being made to share, compromise, and try my hardest not to flinch when Kelly mis-throws Dexter’s toys into my speakers. This is what happens when a hyper-organizer is allowed to mono-habitate for ten years before co-habitating. Ah, well, I’ll adjust I guess. Either that or blanket the place with post-it instructions.

A very odd thing happened a few days after we got back from Florida. Late morning, a guy appeared in the front courtyard (I think the fence was already open). I was home alone, and saw him through the window as he waved me outside. He commented casually, “So, still unpacking I see. Howdy, I’m Martin, your neighbor.” He pointed to where he lived, across the street and about three houses down. Then it got weird. He asked if there were any jobs I needed doing that he could help out with to earn $14.50, and barring that, could he just borrow $14.50. My deer-in-the-headlights response caused him to further explain that it was for a tire. My brain was gridlocked. On one side, I had the “good neighbor” conversation going on; on the other side was the “deny all (non-third-world-country) panhandlers” conversation. This guy refused to fit squarely into either category. I told him straight out I thought it was a really strange request, but eventually I went back in and fetched him a $20. He walked toward “his house”, promising to return the next morning to pay me back. Two mornings have now gone by, and I’m officially considering this a $20 enrollment fee for an involuntary class I just took called “Remembering How Not to Get Screwed.” I’m still hopeful he’ll show up one day with my $20, but until then I will lessen my upset by giving him props for inventing what seems to be a clever scam. For those wanting to get in on the action, I have composed instructions:

1. Pretend to be a neighbor.
2. Ask for a specific, odd amount of money that is extremely hard to make change for, and will probably get rounded up by 25% for convenience.
3. Insist the money is for something that sounds very plausible, such as a new tire during the heaviest rain the city has ever seen.
4. Offer to walk over with the person to verify you live where you say you do (knowing full well the bias from number 1 prevents someone from taking you up on it).

Do not, however, offer to work for the money. In retrospect, this is the smoking gun I should have picked up on. No legitimate neighbor wanting to borrow $14.50 offers to work for it. Not unless Kelly and I crossed the border while house hunting and didn’t notice. No, offering to “work for it” is one of the most transparent guilt ploys currently being used to sucker people out of their money. Many years ago, my dad actually stopped and offered a guy with a “work for food” sign a (simple) gardening job, and he declined. And I’m here to announce this no longer upsets me. For many years it did. But then I realized were I in his shoes, and people were willing to pull up to a stoplight in La Jolla and hand me dollars for making a sign ($80 a day by some accounts), I wouldn’t bother raking leaves either. The greatest irony is that the guy holding the “will work” sign is at that moment actually working as a clever entrepreneur. He’s in the yuppie guilt alleviation business. Judging by sheer numbers at most stoplights and freeway exits, business is booming.